If there were a comic book character gay pride what could we expect? Who would be swinging on a moving truck squirting soapy water at onlookers on the side? Who would be scantily dressed dancing and showing their stuff in a perpetual sea of happiness and campiness? Who would pull the most outrageous costume from their closet and sport it to attract the most stares? What homosexual couples would gladly look at the pride parade sipping a drink on a terrace while kissing and holding hands every five minutes? Who would line up to play the five archetypes of the Village People dancing to the old disco score? Who would be on the sidelines secretly wishing they could join the fun but preferring the safety of their comic book closet? What esteem member of the heterosexual community trying to prove its progressiveness would gladly join the head of the parade to gain more street cred and score a few political points? Finally, who would trying to spoil the fun while crying slurs at the crowd, not interested in giving them one day to party and have safe fun?
Bulldozer and the Wrecking Crew
If there were a gay pride, well, to tell the truth, most comic book super heroes would fit right in. Most super heroes are not dressed conservatively and they often sport incredible physique akin to those of guys who spend two hours a day at the local gym. With lesbians, female comic book characters tend to fit just a few stereotypes of women and few of them have that butch look or non-gender conforming super model look, preferred by straight guys. Still, if all members of the Avengers, the Justice League, the Defenders, the X-Men, the Teen Titans and the Justice Society were asked to fill in as a generic pride crowd, the place would definitely look colourful!
Swinging off a Truck
Now any super hero worth his salt can swing on and off a truck. That’s like hanging out on a roof top. It’s part of the job. But how about squirting water at people while looking very gay doing it? Who could pull that off? Well, the best man for the job is Firestorm of course, which ever version you prefer. About Firestorm, it’s always the goofy sleeves and the flaming top that gives him away. It’s always the puffs. And Firestorm has that double identity thing cornered too, with two men inside one man, whatever that means. But the truck dancer needs to squirt soapy water at people nonstop with a Nerf water gun. Well, Firestorm can create both the gun and squirt foamy water at passer by nonstop just by using his transmutation powers. If he can think it, he can dish it out!
Namor... so gay
Ok, I know Namor is not gay. But who else has that buffed gay physique showing up at every serious meetings with the Avengers or with villains when they plot how they’ll invade the planet, with but a bathing suit. He owns the look. So, he can be the least dressed guy in the parade dancing campily.
Most Outrageous Costume
Green Lantern Alan Scott
There are gay costumes in comics and then, they are gay costumes. Since Alan Scott is now gay, let’s give it to him. His mix and match of red, green and purple was always odd. Now, it’s actually almost like a gay rainbow flag. I think Scott has a bit of all colours of the gay pride flag. He’s got a red cape and top, orange threads all over his costume, blond hair, green shorts, blue eyes, and a purple cape. He wasn’t colour blind after all! Special mention goes to Doctor Mid-nite who also had weird colours all over.
Happy Homosexual Couple
Source: New York Times. No this is not an image of Northstar and Kyle
Should Northstar and beau Kyle be that couple, now that they are engaged. Well, they’re not one of those old couples that’s been together for years. But why not.
Ok, so some of these characters are not gay, but they fill the gap for gay the Village people. First and foremost is the Rawhide Kid from the Rawhide Kid : Slap Leather mini-series that annoyed American conservatives playing the role of the cowboy! For the Indian, I won’t make my job difficult. Let’s just stick with Apache Chief and be done with it.
Now the construction guy was a bit tougher not because I couldn’t find one. Nope, I found four candidates. They are the guys from the Wrecking Crew. You know those B-level Marvel Comics villains that like to give trouble to Thor and the Avengers. They are Bulldozer, Piledriver, Thunderball and the Wrecker. It’s a toss up but I think I’ll pick Bulldozer because he wears a helmet.
For the cop, while there are many police officers who are also super heroes or villains. I picked one who wears the badge on figuratively. That’s why I picked the Guardian, a Golden Age super hero that was created by Jack Kirby and Joe Simon. For the sailor, I thought I’d cheat a bit and use Popeye, but then remembered this old DC Comics super hero who happens to be a sailor and got caught in the Perl Harbor attack by Japan in the 1940s, and also happens to sports a very gay pink costume” If you guessed Firebrand, the original, not his sister, you guessed right!
Ghost Rider - Flaming and gay
Finally, we need someone who can wear leather and ride a bike with style that’s also a female – sorry Black Canary. If there were a female Village People band, I’d call you up in an instant, as well as Sailor Moon, but I need a guy for the job. Or someone who looks like a guy but can do the flaming part quite well. Yeah, I know it’s an old joke, but Ghost Rider is perfect as a flaming homosexual biker sporting leather gear. This part of his life might even make him more humane. Just ask Spawn it worked wonders on him too.
In the Closet
Source: Toronto Sun
That one is easy. Batman is in the closet faking to be straight. Sure, as Bruce Wayne he dates hot women to maintain a cover as a playboy, but the man is so obsessed and a lapse catholic, that he really feels gay. Now for years there have been jokes about Batman being gay. Even Grant Morrisson said the guy was a gay archetype with a gay lifestyle without actually being involved in gay act! Closet case.
You know what? I think Superman is in serious need of a public relations boost and needs to improve his appeal with gay reader by becoming one of those ubiquitous gay icons, although come to think of it Wonder Woman fits the straight gay icon much better than Superman. She’s the kind of strong woman, a diva that would fit in super well as a preferred character for many gay guys.
I pick the Comedian for that one. I mean the guy from The Watchmen allegedly liked women a lot, but that get up of his screams closeted gay leather queen all over. They say the guys who try to act the most macho and the most anti-gay are usually the greatest closet cases, especially when they make it a point to be seen with many women and to embellish their womanizer reputation. Anyway, as a gay basher, who apparently had some history of bashing gays in the Watchmen comics, The Comedian fits the bill. Now, if he could just come out and stop the act.