By Nathan Schwartz
June 26, 2009 - 16:15
The story is about some Energon source (whatever that is) on Earth that could save Cybertron. The only issue is that, as a result of harvesting the Energon, the Sun would cease to exist and life on Earth would end. Apparently the Decepticons have been trying to harness it for years, but were thwarted by primes (whatever they are) in their previous attempts. But after stealing a fragment of the All Spark, killing Optimus Prime, and reviving Megatron, The Fallen (whoever he is), who looks like a Bionicle, has an opportunity to find the device that will harvest the Energon. And this is where Sam Witwicky (Labeouf) comes in. At the beginning of the movie he finds a shard of the All Spark and starts seeing odd symbols everywhere he goes. Turns out these symbols are a map to find the key that turns on the device. The Fallen knows where the machine is, and Sam knows where the key is, and kablamo, we have a plot, kind of.
By the way, the reason why I have those questions in parenthesis is because there was no mention of any of those things in the first film. It just seems as though they did not plan ahead when they made the first movie. However, I will not get hung up on this point because the movie is not about the plot, it is about the amazing sounds, graphics and special effects.
Right from the very beginning, when the stars for the Paramount logo fly by, you can hear the sound effects. It is invigorating and pumps you up for the movie ahead. On that aspect the movie does not disappoint. The sounds are metallic and awesome. As well, the graphics are epic! They are done on such a grand scale and pack quite the punch to the gut (in a good way). Moreover, as stated above, Michael Bay does a stellar job at combining slow motion action sequences with either rock music or instrumental pieces. The only thing about this film that came as a subtle shock to me was how funny it was. But that is where the movie hits a wall, an impenetrable wall of suck.
First off, the dialogue was horrendous. Every time someone spoke my body started to convulse and I felt a strong urge to vomit. The acting suffered greatly from this issue as well. I cannot honestly inform you as to who was good or bad because it is hard to tell if someone is acting well when the lines they are fed are utter garbage. I guess if the actor/actress were amazing they would be able to do something with it, which tells me that the actors in this film were average at best. I think I honestly would’ve preferred this movie to be silent except for the effects and music, as in no talking whatsoever. It would have made the movie a bit more bearable, and probably more logical as well.
Furthermore, flaws run rampant throughout this film. For example, if the shard of the All Spark that the government has is so dangerous, why not destroy it instead of keeping it in a facility waiting to be stolen? Or why send out soldiers with guns to kill giant robots when these men with bullets are mostly harmless against massive mechanical aliens? The list goes on and on. But again, this movie does not concern itself with cinematic excellence, only cool action and effects, which it manages to screw up also.
Someone told me that this movie was the teenage boy’s equivalent of snorting cocaine off of a hooker’s butt, and, though I can see how that is true, it is not fully accurate. It is more like snorting cocaine off of a hooker’s butt, but you do it for so long that she starts to get impatient. Eventually she gets mad and bites your tongue in a fit of rage, and you commence to beat her in an attempt to make her leave your tongue in its rightful place. Now your tongue is bleeding profusely and there is a severely bruised hooker lying on your floor. If you did not catch it, that was a Shamwow reference.
The point is that the last hour of the movie just dragged on for too long. It got repetitive and redundant. Every ten minutes you would hear Agent Simmons (Turturro) say something along the lines of, “this is my moment, this is what I was meant to do,” then it would switch to Sam and Mikaela (Fox) trying to find a way to reach the Autobots and soldiers, then to the robot battlefield, and back to the top again in a seemingly endless loop. However, I am missing the most annoying part of all; there was a plethora of slow motion sequences sprinkled throughout this last hour. It was cool the first few times, but then it became rather irritating.
I would like to say that you should watch this movie if you want to see a really cool action movie jam packed with amazing special effects, but that would be misleading you because by the last hour you will be looking at your watch wondering when this boring drivel will end. A crying shame!
Rating: 4 /10