Elvira’s Movie Macabre: Maneater of Hydra/The House That Screamed

Episodes 84 & 3

USA 1984/1981

Directed by Larry Thomas

Writers: Larry Thomas, Cassandra Peterson

Starring: Cassandra Peterson

Genre: Horror, Comedy

Running time: 220 minutes

Rating: PG

Distributor: Shout! Factory

Website: Buy it here.

The DVD revolution has done wonders for underground films, forgotten television shows, and cult oddities. It’s also done wonders for absolutely terrible movies, which have flourished in the home video market like the clap in Amsterdam. Shout! Factory has combined the best of both worlds with their releases of episodes from Elvira’s Movie Macabre TV show. The show featured Cassandra Peterson’s carefully-crafted Elvira persona, a dimwitted Goth queen who looks like Morticia Addams but speaks like Paris Hilton on poppers, adding high-energy and amusing commentary before commercial breaks. The 2-disc DVD releases feature the films she presented in both the uninterrupted versions, and with Elvira’s commentary intact. This particular disc features Maneater of Hydra and The House That Screamed, both from the 60s.  

Maneater of Hydra

Spain/West Germany, 1967

Director: Mel Wells

Writers: Mel Wells (story), Ernst R. von Theumer, Stephen Schmidt

Produced by: George Ferrer, Ernst R. von Theumer

Starring: Cameron Mitchell, George Martin, Elisa Montes, Rolf von Nauckhoff

Genre: Horror

Running Time: 88 minutes

I’ve seen a lot of bad movies. And while this isn’t the worst, it was briefly considered as a contender. It’s certainly the worst film I’ve seen on Movie Macabre by a long shot. In all the crap movies presented in this series, there’s usually at least one redeeming factor, either an interesting performance, like in They Came From Beyond Space, or some at least half-way decent camera work, as in the otherwise abominable Monstroid. But here, there’s nothing. It’s almost awe-inspiring in its complete emptiness, a Zen-like void that’s irritating instead of calming, like one of those rock gardens where sand keeps getting in your eye. It’s about a killer tree, first of all, which I’d rank right above a haunted basketball in a hierarchy of frightening objects. And secondly, the script is like a story outline, below a rough draft in terms of quality, so bad you can hear spelling mistakes. There are no characters in the film, just people who spit out expository and often contradictory dialogue, but there’s just enough artifice there to prove that the film isn’t some sort of bizarre failed experiment in guided improv.

Maneater of Hydra opens with a group of tourists arriving on a Greek island owned by a weird aristocrat who cultivates giant plants. Almost immediately, things go poorly, both for the characters and for the viewer. The tourists hit and kill a servant with their car, which is bad for them, but not before a woman sitting in the front seat tries to cheat on her husband, who is sitting in the back seat, which is really bad for the audience, provided they have a low threshold for stupidity. Then a bunch of mysterious deaths occur, all of which are eventually revealed to be caused by a man-eating tree. A sedentary tree. Killer plant movies are never particularly thrilling, but at least in Day Of The Triffids or Invasion of the Body Snatchers, the plants moved around a bit. This is like a movie about a large hole in the ground that people keep falling into. And while Elvira’s asides keep things lively, that’s only when she’s on screen. When she’s not, all you’ve got to stare at is a tree. At least a haunted basketball would bounce.  

The House That Screamed

Spain , 1969

Director: Narciso Ibanez Serrador

Writers: Narciso Ibanez Serrador, Juan Tebar (story)

Producers: Arturo Gonzales

Starring: Lilli Palmer, Cristina Galbo, John Moulder-Brown, Mary Maude

Genre: Horror

Running Time: 99 minutes

It’s only fitting that such a terrible movie would be balanced with such a great one. Like the Blue Sunshine/Monstroid 2-pack, things tend to even out here, making this set the filmic equivalent of a balanced equation. The House That Screamed is excellent on nearly all levels. Purely visually, it’s a beautiful looking film. The cinematography, by Manuel Berenguer and Godofredo Pacheco, is impressive, presenting the gothic sets of this period piece in widescreen images. The colours are vibrant, and the sets remarkably detailed. And while poor dubbing spoils some of the promise in the performers, there’s a lot going on in this deeply subversive film.

The House That Screams is a Spanish movie, but it’s set in France, at a boarding school for delinquent girls. While the girls aren’t into as much coke and text messaging as most private school students I’ve met, there sure is a lot of lesbianism, bondage, and flagellation going on, especially for a movie made in 1969. There’s also an interesting structural conceit in the film. Several of the girls are murdered, but the bodies aren’t found, so for the entirety of the film the students are presumed to have run away. The viewer is the only one privy to their deaths, so while there’s a mystery as to the killer’s identity, the audience is the only one trying to solve it. It’s not a particularly challenging mystery, as the killer is male and there are exactly two of those at the entire school, and one of them is a creepy weirdo, but it’s a novel approach, nonetheless. And while there isn’t a lot of blood in the film, what’s present is handled quite boldly, in scenes that presage the music-video stylization that would mark cinematic action scenes in the future. Of course, Elvira still treats the film as if she’d accidentally stepped in it and ruined her best black stiletto-heeled boots, but I doubt viewers would have it any other way.

Rating: 9 on 10

alkratina@comicbookbin.com