www.conanrednails.com

Writer/Producer: Steve Gold

Eat your heart out, Schwarzenegger.

Hear that sound?

It’s as if a million fanboys cried out in joyous unison, and were at once silent. And no, dear reader, not because they’re dead. Because there’s a direct-to-video Conan the Barbarian movie coming out! Sweet Mitra!

The Obligatory Warning: Red Nails is a very violent and gory story. Likewise, there are a few gory images on the film's website. The producers will be releasing both a PG-13 and a more accurate R version of the film.

That’s right, there’s currently an animated version of Robert E. Howard’s “Red Nails,” one of Conan’s greatest yarns, in production. The bad news? Someone’s doing an interpretation of Conan. The good news? These guys are doing an interpretation of Conan, and it looks pretty accurate.

You’re more likely to find a faithful interpreter in comics and direct-to-video, rather than feature film. Why? Because lower budget media know their audience is primarily faithful fans, and will try to satisfy them, rather than the average viewer. TV and movies go for what will bring in the most cash. Exhibit A is the 1981 Conan the Barbarian movie, which was conceived of as Schwarzenegger vehicle first, loyal adaptation second.

The 1930s cover to Red Nails. Thank god for Frank Frazetta.

The choice of Red Nails as the particular story to be interpreted is wise. It’s one of the few stories long and complex enough to yield a movie. The best Conan stories were short, lyrical machine-gun bursts. Many longer stories collapse under their own weight. Red Nails, however, is as good as a long Conan story gets. It’s more tightly written than, say, The Scarlet Citadel, and does more interesting things with the theme of decadence-versus-barbarism than Wolves Beyond the Border.

The character design is intriguing and reminiscent of Joe Linsner’s covers for the regular Conan title. How these promising designs will look when hacking each other to pieces is another thing altogether. The website’s galleries of background art are impressive, with landscapes directly out of a Robert Howard story. The weirdness, the otherworldly decadence, and the impractically giant, foreboding architecture are all here. This is a good thing, because the world Howard created, the bizarre, fantastic landscapes are half of the stories’ appeal. Cary Nord demonstrates this on a monthly basis with his lavish landscapes for Dark Horse’s Conan title.

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It’s the voice acting that truly promises a decent interpretation. Ron Perlman, who played Hellboy, will voice Conan. James Marsden, Cyclops from the X-Men film franchise, plays Conan’s young ally Techotl. Clancy Brown, who played the villain from the first Highlander, and currently portrays Mr. Krabs on Spongebob*, voices the villainous Olmec. Best of all, the undead sorcerer Tolkemec will be voiced by Mark Hamill, who everyone knows was Luke Skywalker, but not everyone knows was the Joker in Batman the Animated Series.

Will Red Nails be good, or will it flop worse than Conan the Destroyer? Only time will tell, but I’ll be biting my nails until the release date.  

*I’m not kidding. IMBD it and you’ll this is actually the case.