By Zak Edwards
March 22, 2009 - 13:48
Publisher(s): Marvel Comics
Writer(s): Jeph Loeb
Penciller(s): David Finch
Inker(s): Danny Miki
Colourist(s): Jason Keith
Cover Artist(s): David Finch. Variant by Ed McGuinness
Sometimes things are too easy. Ultimatum #3 is a perfect example. I could go on and on about how terrible it is, how Jeph Loeb hasn’t written anything worth reading (or watching, for that matter) in years, how Bryan Finch’s art is filled with expressionless examples of how sex sells. I could spend this time ranting about how the implications of this book are affecting what we get from the major publishers and how this highlights the fact that the super hero genre has only changed in very superficial ways since its inception (and if you want to read something like that, I have posted an article entitled "Comics and Responsibility" which touches on some of these subjects). But instead, I am just going to look at this issue, what it does right, what it does wrong, and leave all that other stuff on the sidelines. So let’s review, shall we? And just so you know, I will be spoiling things, not that there really are many surprises in store.
First off, the Thor in the dead world thing. We have Captain America and Thor fighting an endless mound of zombies for what seems no reason. Then the lady death shows up again and tells them that, yes, all the zombie killing is meaningless because what she really wants is a good old fashioned soul exchange, dead Valkyrie for less dead Thor or Captain America. Now, the whole problem with this entire subplot is this: why? If Loeb wanted Thor out of the way, why didn’t he just kill him like he has done to countless others? The only logical explanation is because he’s coming back before the end to get his hammer back from Magneto, making the whole scene a big waste of time. There is also the Hank Pym sequence as well. Now this sequence is almost delightful in how campy it is. Basically, we have Pym finding his ex-wife, the Wasp, getting eaten by the Blob. So what does Pym do? Well, he bites the head the Blob while Hawkeye looks on making some seriously lame dialogue like “And they think I’m crazy.” Nice. It’s at this moment you just throw your hands up and give up, I mean, I gave up already but this made me give up again. About the only thing Loeb has done is write a story he really can’t go back on until Marvel Comics reboots the whole line and takes things back to square one. I’m almost looking forward to how they are getting out of this one, I vote for Quicksilver waking up next to a woman who looks like Gwen Stacey and saying, “I just had the worst dream, my father Magneto made a giant tidal wave destroy New York” and Gwen Stacey says, “Whose Magneto? And tidal waves, you’ve been watching too many global warming documentaries.”
I just love how the Blob is wielding a piece of fried chicken
For David Finch, nothing sums up his abilities more than the first few pages. The idea is Mystique is making herself look like the Scarlet Witch to... do a recap? That’s right, David Finch dresses up Mystique as Scarlet Witch in a thong, leans her over her father and tells him everything he’s done in the past two issues. And the whole time Magneto and Mystique have the same amount of emotion as the Barbie Dolls their based off of. I would love to see the script these pages are written for, they must be fairly pathetic, something to the effect of “Get Scarlet Witch in something seriously skimpy and parade her in front of her father. I want incest, David, lots of incest.” The rest of the comic book is of about the same caliber.
0/10 And will still manage to be a best seller.
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