More Cheese, Hold the Whine

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More Cheese, Hold the Whine
By Philip Schweier
Jan 13, 2012 - 9:37

Often, our beloved fictional characters are featured in films that deviate so drastically from our personal perception, we can’t help but be offended by the presentation.

David Wilson as Superman in the made-for-TV version of the musical, It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's Superman

For instance, the bootleg DVD dealer at your favorite comic book convention might offer you less-than-memorable fare such as Captain America (1989), the failed Justice League TV pilot (1997) or Roger Corman’s Fantastic Four (1994)

Batman (1966) flies in the face of everything the Dark Knight has been since the mid-1980s. In 1967, James Bond was featured in a comedic version of Casino Royale, featuring no less than four actors claiming to be the reknowned spy. And the less said about the made-for-television version of the Superman musical, It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane, It’s Superman (1974), the better.

It would be (mostly) unfair to regard these projects as failures so many years after they were made. One level or another, they accomplished what they set out to do. But I’d like to offer my readers (both of you) a couple of new morsels to make you cringe in dismay at the state of film making today.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you... Sherlock Holmes.

Sherlock Holmes (2010) stars Ben Syder as Holmes and Gareth David Lloyd (Torchwood) as Watson. It opens in 1940, with an 88-year-old Watson (he doesn’t look that old) watching London suffer under the German Blitz. It send him reminiscing about one of his cases with “him.” Who?” asks the young nurse. Who do you think, you twit?!

In 1882, a 30-year-old Watson (he looks older to me) joins Holmes (noticeably shorter than, well, EVERYBODY!) on an investigation in which a monster appears to be roaming London’s East End. As the Great Detective ferrets out the creature, it is revealed the monster is nothing less than a dinosaur (not sure of the breed; maybe a raptor). But it’s not just any dinosaur, it’s a mechanical monster, built by a seemingly mad scientist who is later revealed to be (wait for it) Sherlock’s long lost brother Mycroft, played by Dominic Keating (Star Trek: Enterprise). However, he is referenced at one point as “T. Holmes. The T stand for Thorpe (I know, I don’t understand it either).

It seems Mycroft suffered a terrible accident years ago which has put him in a wheelchair, but now, thanks to his scientific ability, he’s feeling much better. After all, if a man can create fully automated mechanical dinosaurs, it shouldn’t be too much trouble for him to fashion a coppery red exo-skelton, no?

This leads to a steampunk-style duel between brothers (battle of the Robert Downey Jr. roles, if you will) as Mycroft plans his assault on London and Buckingham Palace. Why? No real reason is given, other than to say he’s bitter about his lot in life.

This movie is supremely bad, with inconsistent editing, chronological anachronisms and the general expectation of the audience to simply check their sense of disbelief at the door.

Sure, why not?

I’ve been a big fan of Sherlock Holmes for many years, and I’ve seen many film versions, good, bad and in between. This movie is a cautionary tale, that only someone with 93 minutes and plenty of money to waste should consider watching. Every plot point, every story element absolutely must be taken with a Gibralter-sized grain of salt. If you can do that, you might enjoy it.

But if you’re a purist who prefers your heroes straight up, no mixer, I recommend you stick to the Jeremy Brett Sherlock Holmes series of the 1980s.

Sherlock Holmes was produced by Asylum. Apparently its business model is to find properties in the public domain, piggy-backing them on top of more high-profile properties. It helps if more legitimate version are being produced elsewhere with bigger name stars. With the forthcoming John Carter film from Disney, another of Asylum films was Princess of Mars (2009) based on the same original source material by Tarzan creator Edgar Rice Burroughs.

In the Asylum version, John Carter (Antonio Sabato Jr.) is a U.S. Marine sniper in the MIddle East. On the verge of death following an ill-fated mission, he is “volunteered” for an experimental process which would cybernetically transport him to Mars 214, a planet in the Alpha Centauri system which may sustain life. There, at a location Star Trek fans will recognize as the Vasquez Rocks, he is captured and later befriended by Tars Tarkus, leader of the Tharks (minus their secondary set of limbs from the original book). When an airship manned by the more human-looking inhabitants of “Barsoom” arrives on the scene, John Carter meets Dejah Thoris (Traci Lords).

Traci Lords signing autographs at Dragon-Con in 2009

Now, say what you will about Traci Lords and her past, but I have to give the woman credit for building a successful career – by which I mean the woman works regularly – despite what I will charitably refer to as a questionable career path. We all have skeletons in our closet; hers just happen to be not in the closet. I had the privilege of meeting her at Dragon-Con in 2002, and I found her a great more friendly and pleasant than many of the other celebrities I’ve encountered there. And before anyone gets too critical of Lords “sexxing up” the John Carter stories, let me point out that that is a ship that sail a long time ago, with Frank Frazetta as its captain.

Tars Tarkas, a Thark of Barsoom

Anyhoo, for his prowess in battle, Tars Takas bestows a high title upon John Carter, and takes his royal prisoner to Tal Hajus, his ruler. But Tal Hajus in unimpressed with the humans and offended at Tars Tarkas overstepping his authority. Into the arena with them! There, John Carter provides Tars Tarkas with the opportunity to defeat Tal Hajus in battle, winning the ledership of the Thark nation. With the help of another villain (who shall remain nameless), Dejah Thoris escapes to the atmosphere factory managed by her people. John Carter rushes to the rescue, aided by the Tharks, who never believed the claim that the factory was all that stood between them and asphyxiation.

Dejah Thoris (Traci Lords) and John Cartre (Antonio Sabato Jr.)

As movies go, it’s pure grade-A pasteurized cheese, so if you’re a fan of bad cinema, it might worth your time. It’s certainly no worse than the three Edgar Rice Burroughs adaptations from the 1970s (The Land That Time Forgot, The People that Time Forgot and At the Earths Core), all starring Doug McClure.

Praise and adulation? Scorn and ridicule? E-mail me at philip@comicbookbin.com