funny thing is, that's what the Trotsky assassination looked like...

Dear North American Marxists…

In other words, angry eighth graders and/or college professors—

I take issue with what you see as priorities. I take issue with your integrity. Principally because, if you had any guts, you would "compromise" the entire cast, production team, and bankrollers of the new Sex and the City movie. C'mon guys. This flick represents everything you hate: excess, greed, unproductive sloth, slavish devotion to material goods and the almighty dollar. The religious attention it pays to glitz and glamour is a mass opiate the Renaissance popes would have envied. Your predecessors wouldn't have stood for an implicit classist agenda like this. They'd have gone to the mat. They'd have picketed the studio, burned it down, confiscated the money and goods and redistributed them to the people. They'd have started an honest-to-goodness, decent riot. They might even have founded a ruthless dictatorship in its wake and killed the people they claimed they claimed to protect…but maybe we can strike that from the "commie to-do list."

OMG POVERTY ROTFLOLZ

The point is, you're missing out on a gold mine (or is it bread line?) here. The old favorites-- Lenin, Stalin, Castro, Mao, Che-- they did more than just grow humiliating facial hair and wear ill-tailored suits. They got out there, appropriated entire industries, and made sure that wannabe aristocrats like these got what was coming to them. They had a flair for the dramatic. They’d have put heads on pikes and cute little boutiques in the crapper. If you had their stones, you'd be setting fire to the Hollywood sign, ripping up the blocks on the Walk of Fame, and seizing entire trucks of movie theater popcorn, firing them into slums for the hungry to consume.

You'd realize that all this obsession with Manolo Blahnik, sex toys, and matching lip gloss to outfits like wine to cuts of beef is a distraction from a woman's ability to be a liberated worker. You'd fling these bourgeois bimbo's sequined dresses out of their high-rise windows and replace them with workers' clothing (khaki jumpsuits are the new black). Where are all those inspiring, hairy, unwashed women who once toiled virtuously all day at factory machines? And then got shot? They'd teach Carrie, Charlotte and Miranda a thing or two (but not Samantha-- face it, Kim Cattrall's a dude. It will take a company of shock troops to bring her down).

The four horsemen of conspicuous consumption.

I know we’ve had our differences, North American Marxists. You were upset when I got into Ayn Rand in high school, and you probably don’t appreciate my reading an anti-Lenin communalist like Kenneth Rexroth—but I think it’s time we moved past that and united over a common goal. Call Zack de la Rocha, he could use the work. Dredge up some members of the IWW, they still technically exist. Get all those sailors from Fleet Week in New York* and have them reenact Battleship Potemkin in front of the movie theaters. Do anything—that is, so long as you’re tenured, or on your break between fourth and fifth periods.  

Worth the money? UNBREAKABLE UNION OF FREEBORN REPUBLICS GREAT RUSSIA HAS WELDED FOREVER TO STAND

* Sex and the City premiering on a week when New York was flooded with horny sailors should become the Oxford English Dictionary’s first definition under “irony.”